I'll stop gesturing obscenely if you'll SOBER UP AND LEARN HOW TO FREAKIN' DRIVE!

To everyone who learned to drive south of the Mason-Dixon line:

 

YOU SUCK!  You are an inbred, boozesoaked psycho who no more belongs behind a wheel than a neonazi gang belongs teaching a kindergarden class.  Designate a driver if you're going to happy hour.  Don't get behind the wheel if you're so blotto you can't remember your first name. Use your damn blinkers.  Don't take 10 minutes to make a simple right-hand turn.  Don't drive 15 mph unless you're in a parade or a traffic jam.  When I'm trying to switch into your lane, don't speed up so I can't get in.  Stay in your own damn lane.  Buses, this means you.  If you don't know how to drive on the ice, STAY OFF THE DAMN ROAD!  And by the way, traffic wouldn't suck so bad around here if you didn't insist on staying half a mile away from the car in front of you. The green light means go and the gas pedal is on the right. Use a headset if you insist on talking on the cell phone.  Don't stop dead center in the middle of the lane in a parking lot.  Speed bumps mean SLOW DOWN, not stop for five minutes. Turn off your freaking hydraulics; your car's older than you are, worth $10, and your sound system looks ridiculous.  If you plow into my tinfoil compact with your Hummer at 50 MPH, don't act all scandalized when I have some choice words for you. The police officer's not going to ticket me for fucking swearing at you when the accident's clearly your fault. Oh, and I-95... is not the freakin Indy500 track.  So don't freaking drag race there, mkay? 

Especially in a state where there are a lot of Northern transplants who are all allowed to pack heat.  Get a clue.  No wonder we beat you idiots in the Civil War, "y'all" have no flippin common sense.