On My Home Planet

I have an opinion about everything, and here it is for the world to see.

Hating on: morons, self-righteous political extremists, the man-and-baby-hating strain of feminism, CraigsList, yuppies, careerists, white liberal guilt, people devoid of any sense of morals or personal responsbility, and other generally clueless and misguided types who continually piss me off.

Friday, September 21, 2007

A Great Big F-U to my Pancreas

No, seriously, I effing hate your guts and will one day have you removed, you stupid, ungrateful, malfunctioning peice of shit. Seriously, what the hell is your problem. Aside from my coffee guzzling habits, which should have had no effect on you, I eat like a freakin hippie saint - barely touching refined sugars, bleached flours, lots of fruits and veggies. I have exercised twice a week, despite my wonky hip (that car accident, remember? Consider yourself lucky I can still walk), and my BMI has never reached above 23%. I know I'm small framed, but dammit, my fat jeans are a size 4!

And here you go reacting like I'm some obese person who sits around on the sofa all day chugging regular soda and eating bon-bons. High cholesterol, intestinal disturbances, f*cked up blood sugar, hormonal disturbances my ass. This is America, bitch! I've treated you damned well. SORRY for having a peice of candy like once a week. Jeez. You've seriously overreacted. But, in your face, asshole, so did my endochrinologist. Notice me shitting my brains out on the hour? Highest dose of Met the law will allow. So take that.

Speaking of which, Adam Sandler? You only think you hold the world's record for The Longest Pee, dude. If you can seriously sell CDs and make money with that shit, I'm going to start bringing a tape recorder into the can with me. I'm still better looking than you, even with the insulin gut and zits. I hope you're at least donating the proceeds to the American Diabetes Foundation, beeyotch!

And let's talk for a second about how happy I am to get to spend the rest of my life on the South Beach diet. It is seriously, the biggest pain in the ass to eat the way I'm supposed to be eating. Do you internets have any idea how much of the food in this country is chock full of bleached flour, refined sugar, and other substances that are apparently a "poisin" to my body? About 99%. It blows. And, the foods that aren't full of that crap cost about 3x what regular food does, and are massively inconvenient to buy/store. Papa John's, you are put on notice. OFFER SOME WHOLE WHEAT CRUSTS, dammit!

In closing, I will say it again. Fuck you, my pancreas. Hard. In the ass.




At 4:26 PM, Blogger maddypappy1 thinks I'm the coolest...

I don't think your pancreas likes you very much. Maybe it had a traumatic childhood and has trouble accepting any change.


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