On My Home Planet

I have an opinion about everything, and here it is for the world to see.

Hating on: morons, self-righteous political extremists, the man-and-baby-hating strain of feminism, CraigsList, yuppies, careerists, white liberal guilt, people devoid of any sense of morals or personal responsbility, and other generally clueless and misguided types who continually piss me off.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

New Conversation Topic... Please for the Love of God

Matthew McConaghey beat me because I wouldn't marry him.

It's all the rage in Paris.

I'm trying to fuse my middle and ring fingers together.

It's easier to flash gang signs this way.

I got shot in a drive-by.

I got drunk and got a Satanic tattoo, which I need to cover up until the laser treatments take it off.

It's so comfortable.

I dig the Darth Vader hands look.

My bookie Guido broke my fingers when I couldn't pay him back.

I need to hide my track marks from my boss. (Thanks, P!)

In other news, you are probably the 83578937589759th person today who's asked me about my cast. Having a freckle-gone-bad removed from my hand is no fun, wearing a cast during a heat wave in July is no fun, trying to program an insanely complex accounting system with one hand is no fun, changing the dressings and bandages on my nasty wound is no fun, having to look at that shit while I'm in the middle of changing the dressing and bandages is no fun, showering and getting dressed with one hand is no fun, wondering whether I'll have a huge ugly scar next to my (someday!) wedding ring is no fun... And finally, listening to the questions and judgements of 83578937589759 idiots a day who think this is a good conversation topic, or that freckles-gone-bad are removed solely because they're not attractive, is no fun.

Making jokes and being sarcastic, however, IS fun.

So let me have my fun. And be glad you don't have your hand in a cast.

PS - Using my hand as the object of a neghit exposes you for the insecure douchebag that you are.

PPS - Confidential to my friends: It's not cancer, everything's cool. Please don't worry. But please do help me come up with more assy responses, I love seeing people's expressions. I made a guy spit soda today.


At 10:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous thinks I'm the coolest...

"Don't worry, it's only Stage 1 leprosy."

At 12:56 PM, Blogger Ibid thinks I'm the coolest...

It's to hide my flipper.
I had to have a freckle cut off. It was talking to me. It told me to DO things. Horrible, horrible things.
I had a freckle removed. The other freckles voted it off.
I broke my hand on some putz who asked too many personal questions.
They're very comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them soon.
Everyone else does tattoos. I'm experimenting with tan lines. Another week and my hand should be pale enough to start uncovering bits.
After watching Superman the other day I tried to catch a bullet.
Pretend you have no idea it's there. Deny it no matter what.
Nothing's wrong. I just needed something so strangers could have a reason to start talking to me.
I tried replacing my hand with a chainsaw. It didn't take.
I'm bonding with my ancient egyptian ancestors.
It's similar to food binding. I wrap my hand to crush it into something petite and attractive no matter how much it hurts.
Tag! You're it. Now you have to wear the cast!

At 2:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous thinks I'm the coolest...

I fell off my couch...


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