On My Home Planet

I have an opinion about everything, and here it is for the world to see.

Hating on: morons, self-righteous political extremists, the man-and-baby-hating strain of feminism, CraigsList, yuppies, careerists, white liberal guilt, people devoid of any sense of morals or personal responsbility, and other generally clueless and misguided types who continually piss me off.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Electronic Disturbance and the Crapper: Fun on Craigslist

I shamelessly stole this prank from male chauvanist pig DCB, whose blog offends, disgusts, and intrigues me. It's like a trainwreck; you don't want to see it, but can't.bring.self.to.look.away. DCB had waxed on about the housing crunch where he lives, posting genius phony Craigslist ads offering to rent out his carport, laundry room, closet, etc.

And people responded. DCB's parting shot?

Thanks to Kathryn for the tarp idea. Other ideas I’d do if I wasn’t bored with this:
1. Tent in the backyard.

2. Weather-proof treehouse.

I, however, was not bored yet, so I posted an ad for:

$100 - Cozy, Private Space for the Right Person
Reply to:
Date: 2006-08-03, 2:58PM EDT

We have a spacious (10X10) weatherproof toolshed (with electrical outlet where you can plug in an extension cord and make your little house a home. A plug-in A/C unit and space-heater are yours to use while you live here. Shed has 2 windows that open and close, and a padlock (we will give you the combo) so that your stuff is secure while you are gone. Our house's prior owners were big DIY people and well... that just isn't us! We are a family of three, two professionals and a 4 year old. You won't need to see us that much if you don't want. We can even run a DSL cord outside if you wish. Plenty of off-street parking, or 3 blocks from the Metro (Yellow Line).

A friend (the link actually works now!) of mine suggested I add "nice cozy bushes so you can do your business" but I figured that would tip people off that I'm a troll, and nobody would write to me, which would spoil all my fun. So I went forward, toiletless, and here are the responses...

1. Hi, my name is XXX and i was interested in your ad on craigslist. I am 19 and i'm working full time down in falls church. feel free to ask me any questions you have. Please respond to xxxxxx@yahoo.com. I am VERY interested so a response would be greatly appreciated. Thank You! (Sent from a Federal Government email addy no less, your tax dollars at work).

2. hi
i really enjoyed reading about the space you are
listing on cl. i rented a similar space and lived in
it for a few years in alaska. i moved to dc from
there in october and am renting a basement in a
rowhome that costs a lot more a month that what you
are seeking.
i don't know what you mean by "DIY" people. please
explain. is there a bathroom or shower to use inside?
is there a sink with a slop bucket? at my other
small shed i lived in i hauled my own water and used
an outhouse and showered at the gym i worked at. i
have a shower where i work now but would be cool to
have use of toilet and shower in your house if you are
open to that.
please send a pic and tell me more about this place as
i'm very interested. i'm a good person, responsible,
have excellent references, as well as a small friendly
i look forward to hearing from you. thanks and peace,
XXX (i don't hit the shift key, so i can't get a decent job, and all i can afford is to live in a shed)

3. My name is XXX XXX and I might need a room for a few months. If you
could please contact me @ either xxxx-xxx-xxxx after 9:00pm or xxx-xxx-xxxx.
Thank You.

4. Hi,
I’m interested.
I’m looking for a cheap place, and for $100 a month I could pocket nearly my whole paycheck! Is there a good time for me to come check the place out?
Thanks (Goes on to include full name, job title, employer - a very reputable DC trade association - work address, and several phone numbers.)

5. I am very interested in this space. This would be an excellent opportunity for me as I am saving for a car and a few other things. My name is XXX XXX. I am 28 and currently employed on the weekends as a Certified Nursing Assistant and during the week as an electricians apprentice to save to finish nursing school. Please give me a call at xxx-xxx-xxx. Thank you for your time. (Remind me to just kill myself next time I get sick, lest I risk being treated by a medical professional who lives in a toolshed with 9th century sanitation facilities!!!)

6. I saw your add on Craigs List. I'm a 35 y/o, married, doctoral
student from the University of XXX, who is here in DC on an
internship at a UN agency. I need your place for the duration of my
stay, which will probably be till December. During this time, my
weekdays will be 8AM to at least 7PM out of the house. During the
weekends I might travel, and occasionally my wife (who is studying at
the University of XXX) might come up to spend a weekend with me.
If my profile fits your conditions, please call me @ xxx-xxx-xxx or
send me a reply email.
Many Thanks,
XXX (We all knew that the UN was a bunch of weirdo asshats, but this really takes the cake. To this gentleman's wife: There is such a thing as "grounds for divorce" and this is likely one of them in most states.)

7. I am the Great Cornholio. I have no bunghole. Therefore, I do not require a toilet. When can I move in?

Ok, joking about that last one, but still.

People. THE PLACE HAS NO TOILET. Usually if a living space has a bathroom, it is at least mentioned in the advertisment. Toolsheds do not often come equipped with a crapper, and yet only ONE person asked (the common sense of which is negated by the fact that he seemed waaaaay too interested in outhouses, slop buckets, etc).

Ironically, a post I made on CL that same day (asking a professional question) was flagged and deleted as inappropriate within the hour. But a bogus housing ad to come live in an imaginary family's imaginary toolshed, of course, perfectly kosher.

I weep for the future of humanity.


At 5:11 PM, Blogger Energy Industry Enthusiast thinks I'm the coolest...

This is pretty funny.

At 6:56 PM, Blogger TooMuchCoffeeLady thinks I'm the coolest...

And even with this little confession out here in cyberspace, I am still getting emails. Only that one weird Alaskan dude has asked me about a bathroom.

At 7:39 PM, Blogger Lab_FROG thinks I'm the coolest...

Hmmm. Perhaps that one human male agent in your area (my lawyer) may not be right for you. He is a former U.S. Marine infantryman and had to live in much worse conditions than a tool shed with electricity for extended periods of time (a poncho in Hawaiian jungle for a week and a general purpose “GP” tent in northern Japan during the winter for two months, as the worse two examples). He reported that he hated it at the time, but now has a great appreciation for being dry, warm, having AC in the current D.C. area, being free from flies and mosquitoes, a bed, flushing toilets, showers with pressure, clothes that don’t feel like cardboard from prolonged filth, and so on. Of course he would have been smart enough to ask about plumbing, although he is financially smart enough to never have to ask such questions in the American civilian world.
Good jokes at the losers out there.

At 8:13 PM, Blogger DCB thinks I'm the coolest...


someone has to do treehouse

At 11:11 PM, Blogger TooMuchCoffeeLady thinks I'm the coolest...

DCB - You do the tent in the backyard, I'll do the treehouse. Deal?

Labfrog - I still have another post (of my "list") coming your way. :)

At 11:33 PM, Blogger Angst On The Outskirts thinks I'm the coolest...

Wow... that's awesome.

It reminds me of the first time I used CL to find a room... and met a Nazi, a nudist, and a weird group house.

Ahh, memories

At 8:51 AM, Blogger michelle thinks I'm the coolest...

Do you ever wonder if people are responding just for fun or are they really that serious? That is very very sad. I remember that post on DCB too! It's amazing what people will do to get cheap rent around here!

ps - you linked me wrong, hehe

At 9:57 AM, Blogger Ibid thinks I'm the coolest...

I could see taking a shed for a month or two. Not in this heat, though.
My dad's cousins lived in a tent in the woods for a couple of years.
While my house is being worked on I've been living in my office. It's been a month so far.

At 12:03 PM, Blogger Vikas thinks I'm the coolest...

oh that was you.. and I almost responded to that add :-p ..

just kidding.. bumped into your blog and had fun reading how people play on craigslist .. have to try it myself :)

At 12:48 PM, Blogger tranglanimous thinks I'm the coolest...

via elf. blog well written too much coffee lady. i almost peed in my pants. i guess i'll have to if i'm going to live in a shed

At 6:42 PM, Blogger Chopin Girl thinks I'm the coolest...

I'm going to try this. This is hilarious! :)


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