On My Home Planet

I have an opinion about everything, and here it is for the world to see.

Hating on: morons, self-righteous political extremists, the man-and-baby-hating strain of feminism, CraigsList, yuppies, careerists, white liberal guilt, people devoid of any sense of morals or personal responsbility, and other generally clueless and misguided types who continually piss me off.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Rockin'! I'm officially a two-time downtrodden minority...

Well, Dad, thanks for that double x chromosone which has gotten me into my near-Ivy alma matter and some pretty phat jobs, not to mention the ability to go through life at 5'3 without shame. And apparently, thanks Mom too, for the lack of eumelanin, which in addition to sparing me the pain of waxing my arms and face every week, and even letting me skip a day shaving my legs if I wish, has officially made me a two-time oppressed minority.

Here I thought that if people didn't like me, it was because of things about my personality (lack of inner monologue and general tact, and extreme conservative viewpoints mostly), or that if they thought me unintelligent, it had to do with my neurological disorder that causes my vapid pre-3 cups of coffee persona or the fact that I'm quiet sometimes, or that they expected me to be stuck up cause I'm so beautiful, or expected me to be a slut cuz that's a common stereotype about Catholic chicks. Nope, none of those. It's the hair.

The world is discriminating against me, blaming me from everything from the Vikings to the Holocaust to Britney Spears. YES!!! Nothing I have failed to accomplish is my fault any longer (it's the rest of you-all non-blond people's fault), and now the whole world knows and has to face their treachery.

To make up for the pain and disadvantages I have suffered, I hereby request the following (or funds for the following) from the Federal government, for myself and all other eumelanin-free-Americans, our future progeny, and our progeny's progeny:

1) a lifetime supply of mascara so I never look like one of those weird eyelashless people. Lancome will do nicely;
2) a taser to zap people who harass me on the street for being "guera" (Die, you motherfuckers, there are millions of us here so leave me the fuck alone);
3) a public education program to tell blond and redheaded men to please dye their eyelashes so they don't look like weird eyelashless people so that our disadvantaged race can keep the marriage/procreation within ourselves;
4) a lifetime supply of paba-free spf 60 sublock. I like the stuff that makes your skin sparkle and smells like coconuts;
5) a lifetime supply of selsun blue to get the green streaks out of my hair when I go swimming;
6) a lifetime free membership to MENSA;
7) a lifetime supply of t-shirts in blonde-flattering colors with slogans like "I got a 1500 on my SATs bitch!";
8) a lifetime supply of volumizing and moisturizing styling products cause blonde hair needs it;
9) one pair of polarized sunglasses, I like Juicy Couture (who needs to stop being so damn racist and make me some damn polarized glasses);
10) a list of 10,000,000,000 snappy comebacks for every brunette douchebag who assumes I'm unintelligent based on how I look;
11) cosmetics companies to START MAKING FOUNDATION FOR PALE PEOPLE, and try not to give it unattractive names like "white supremacist", "corpse", "fish underbelly", "Aryan nation", etc;
12) a written apology from my high school for only offering French, Spanish, Latin, and Portugese as foreign languages, denying me of learning German, Swedish, or Gaelic and perpetuting the brunette supremacy by forcing upon me the language of dark-haired people; and finally;
14) (I know I skipped one, superstition) a law strictly enforcing all the loser "blond fetishists" out there (ie, guys who ONLY date blondes, and have the generall attitude of "you are supposed to be into me because you're blonde and I'm into blondes... I can't spend my 30s masturbating to anime porn in my mom's basement after all!" , despite not being blond themselves) to wear an identifying mark so we know to stay the hell away from them. I reccommend a big red B tattooed to their foreheads.

That and an extra cool bil for lost economic opportunities (even though my double minority status is going to make more quotas work in my favor, what if I'd gotten into Harvard and were now making 6 figures, if I'd inherited my dad's dark hair?) and we'll call it square.

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