On My Home Planet

I have an opinion about everything, and here it is for the world to see.

Hating on: morons, self-righteous political extremists, the man-and-baby-hating strain of feminism, CraigsList, yuppies, careerists, white liberal guilt, people devoid of any sense of morals or personal responsbility, and other generally clueless and misguided types who continually piss me off.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Why you are still single...

Because your pickup lines suck!

Wanna see my room?

You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my whole fucking life.

Are you European? You look European... maybe did someone in your family come from Europe? (note: I am unmistakably Caucasian)

It's not that I'm looking for a greencard... it's just that I didn't believe in love until I saw you.

Hey, you in the sexy red backpack!

Can I read your palm? (from a clean-cut preppie type)

(In response to my telling him to go to hell) But heaven's right here, baby.

Dude: "I'll wake you up in time to go to confession tomorrow..."
Me: "No thanks, I don't sin."
Dude: "Oh, but the night is young, and we could sin at my house."
(And my beloved late grandfather used to question why I can't seem to find a nice Catholic guy)

Do you play sports?

Hey, Blondie! Let's f*ck!

When we were in 6th grade, I had a wet dream about you.

So, like, you like went to Catholic school? (huh huh heh heh) So, like, did you wear a uniform? Do you still have it? (huh huh heh heh) Did the nuns, like smack you when you were bad? (huh huh heh heh)

I have actually heard all of these, and the older I get, the more pathetic of lines I seem to hear. For these guys' sake, I hope they never run out of Kleenex.

On the upside though, crap like this stops the spread of STDs.

5 Comments:

At 4:33 PM, Blogger Angst On The Outskirts thinks I'm the coolest...

These are tips right? Lines that work??

I'll have to give some of these a try.

 
At 5:12 PM, Blogger TooMuchCoffeeLady thinks I'm the coolest...

Sarcasm, meet Angst.

Angst, Sarcasm.

No, these lines will seriously make any woman think you're a complete and utter jackass. Use them if and only if you want to be the butt of her and her friends' jokes for years.

 
At 5:21 PM, Blogger HomeImprovementNinja thinks I'm the coolest...

I don't use any lines. I don't need them since I got the Jedi Mind Trick.

 
At 7:12 PM, Blogger Ibid thinks I'm the coolest...

Two more beers and you should finally be hot enough.

I've always said there's nothing quite as attractive as a woman bringing you food. So go get me a sandwich, baby.

You might recognize me. I was in the news the other day after my erection violated DC airspace.

What good is winning the lottery when you have a bad heart?

Excuse me, but you have a beep on your nose. What? (Reach up and tap your nose) BEEP!

Did you invite all of these people? I thought it was just going to be the two of us.

 
At 7:12 PM, Blogger Lab_FROG thinks I'm the coolest...

You should just give up on the whole bar scene and try one of my agents.
http://marine-economist-lawyer.blogspot.com

 

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