Why Gentrification Sucks

Gentrification - n. Misguided attempt on the part of the liberal self-perceived cognoscenti to alleviate their karmas of white guilt, which is misguided because it's actually racist in the premise that poor, dangerous, innercity, nonwhite neighborhoods will start getting better solely because Caucasian yuppiefolk move in.

Not that I don't appreciate liberals' efforts to make my stomach turn (ironically, nausea = toomuchcoffeelady eats less = stays skinny = stays closer to oppressive beauty standards of the evil Western patriarchy = pisses off the feminazis) but if I hear one more self-righteous yuppie jackass brag about the condo they just bought in the "gentrifying" area of such-and-such, and how they're "helping the neighborhood" and "helping the city" simply by gracing a historically poor, nonwhite neighborhood with their presence, I am going to kick their ass.

First of all - Just because something is a good real estate investment, doesn't necessarily make it a good idea or a safe thing to live there. For example, if an area is crime-ridden and poor, and some idiot gets the idea to raze *some* Section 8 housing and displace its residents to it's-their-problem-where to build luxury condos and offices right next door to remaining Section 8 housing, crackhouses, pawnshops, etc... resentment is going to build and eventually erupt in violent crime. Directed, I'll bet any money, against the uppity newcomers that live and work there. Not to mention that until the neighborhood/city cleans up significantly, you'll be putting your kids in private schools just so that they learn to read before they hit puberty.

Second - You're all openminded and hip and want to live in a "diverse" neighborhood, go for it. Knock yourself out. In fact, stay out of the suburbs, where there are already too many people and not enough homes. But don't put in my face every 10 seconds how you're "helping the city" and "enlightening the common folks" by living in a nice pad in the ghetto. As a self-supporting, taxpaying adult in a capitalist country, I am entitled to decide where I live. If the "energy" (traffic, crime, cramping, smell, noise, violence, corruption, rampant STDs, and endless political bullshit) of city life isn't for me, it isn't for me. Doesn't make me some elitist, racist, etc (shame on you, accusing an "oppressed" woman like myself of being an oppressor!) just because I like to see trees and grass outside my window. You're not God and it isn't your place to judge me anyway.

Third - What the eff makes you think that you are really "better" than poor minorities, just because you have light skin and a few more degrees than they? Are you seriously that egotistical and condescending? Are you going to quote Neitzsche at your new neighbors, and that's going to solve all their problems, put food on their tables, get them health insurance and good jobs, keep their kids out of gangs and get them into good colleges and careers? If your house gets broken into, if you get attacked some night coming home from work by some violent gang member, are you going to tell them about the hidden sexual imagery in Shakespeare and expect them to leave you alone? Do you seriously think that the minimum wage jobs created when Starbucks moves into the neighborhood will lift your neighbors out of poverty? Don't tell me for one second that you're going to sit down with your 22 year old single mom of 4 kids neighbor struggling to make ends meet and offer her concrete solutions and assistance on how to improve her lot in life. THAT is helping people. Moving people and their problems from one part of town to another doesn't help for jack.

&*%$ You and Your Double Standards!

Lord knows I hates me some whiny, chronically victimized feminazis who complain endlessly about how this horrific, awful world oppresses women, and find sexism at every turn, but I have to complain about a double standard here that women face. Why do people who treat us like they would treat another man expect us to act like ladies in return?

I get it that Liberal Yuppieland is in a "neutral zone", with "Northern charm and Southern efficiency". I get that being a Northerner, I am more prone to a more blunt style of communication that offends the politically correct and sometimes entails 4 letter words that get beeped out on TV, and that that's not everyone's bag, but GOOD LORD.

Men, if you raise your voice at a woman, get in her face and cuss at her (assuming she has self-respect and a backbone), she will yell and cuss at you back. This holds true whether at the office, driving, or in team sports. So if you call me a "f-ing bitch" or tell me to have intercourse with myself or something equally lovely, just because I cut you off in traffic or make a call you disagree with, plan for me to respond in kind. Just don't turn around and tell me that I'm not being "ladylike" for returning your treatment, and don't complain to others that "ladies shouldn't talk the way TMCL just talked to me."

I act like a lady 99% of the time, but if you're not going to speak to me in an ungentlemanly manner, I owe you no politeness. Either you can act like a gentleman and not raise your voice or cuss at me, or you can take it like a man when I give your rudeness right back to you.

But you can't act like an @sshole and have me respond in a demure, ladylike manner. Doesn't work like that.

I have figured out exactly what is wrong with some people

The complete and utter inability to see that just because something is right for YOU, does not make it right for the entire rest of humanity. The choices that many people make in their lives may well have absolutely no bearing whatsoever on yours (provided they're not in a position of power). Furthermore, just because someone does something with their life, doesn't mean they're forcing you to do it with yours.

Morality is not always cut and dried. Right vs. Wrong can oftentimes be such a multifaceted entity, that it's not always the best idea to make snap judgements about others when their choices aren't hurting people. And a lot of things in reality, needn't be made into moral issues, because they just boil down to preferences, personal choices, etc.

We're morally obligated to be good to one another, but at the end of the day, YOU are the only one who you have to look in the eyes in the mirror everyday so you need to be true to yourself. You really can't be a good person if you're betraying yourself.

That will be all.

Open Letter to those who entertain me

Now that the parents are home safe and accounted for, I can return to getting my thong in a bunch over petty crap once again.

Such as books and TV.

Bitch the first: How F*CKING long is it going to take for Freakonomics to come ou in paperback? It's been out for close to a year. Seriously, I don't spring for hardbacks, so the publishing industry needs to start printing paperbacks specifically to accomodate me and my wishes.

Bitch the second: Is there a reason that every single bookstore within a 10 mile radius of my work and home is only carrying the first and third books in the "Uglies" trilogy? I breezed through Uglies in a day and a half (would've been a day if I still had the energy to not sleep like I did in college, sad that I can feel how I've aged in a lousy half-decade) and now I can't find Pretties anywhere! And no, ordering off Amazon isn't an option, I want it right this second and I don't want to have to pay shipping. And effing put Specials in paperback already, GOSH!

Bitch the third: The Cartoon network needs to start putting the Dr. Tran cartoons back on the air, and only air Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends episodes that feature Cheese. If two of your "obscure ad campagin" billboards feature Cheeseisms, then he's obviously the funniest character ever created and you need to put him on your show more often cause it's lame-o without him. And for Cripes' sake, put Family Guy on during normal waking hours. Cause Toomuchcoffeelady said so. (And internets, no comments about me needing to buy a Tivo or peeps in their mid-20s being too old for cartoons. I will hear none of that!)

My life will be so much easier once the world realizes it's all about me.

Attention Terrorists

"100 years ago, you were living in tents in the desert, and in 100 years, you'll be back there again." - Suriana

And the reason that will happen is because this terrorism bullshit is making everyone hate you, your culture, and your faith. Pity too, cause many of the Arabs and Muslims I know, although they likely will never go down in history books, are top-notch human beings.

But then the vast majority of the world does not in a "diverse" metropolis, and does not have a circle of friends that (de facto) resembles a Bennetton ad. Just because I know that not all Arabs and Muslims are bad people, doesn't mean the whole world knows that. At all.

Here is what you fuckers are actually doing: Sure, you are making air travel a hassle and scaring the piss out of people now. BFD, so I'll be roadtripping instead of flying on my next vacation. The beach will be there next year, and the year after, and the year after, till the end of the world. But you are making people the world over hate people of your ethnic group and religion, and it will come back to bite you in the ass, sometime very soon.

You're pissed about Israel? I don't see any Jewish extremist groups trying to murder the whole world. As part of a growing international anti-Arab/Muslim sentiment, Palestinians and their cause will get less and less popular. People may start turning Zionist just to piss you off.

We all know how you get your money: oil. The world isn't just getting pissed about being anally raped at the gas pumps, even the biggest global warming skeptics are going to start buying hybrids and electric cars just to cut off you motherfuckers' revenue stream. Why line the pockets of your enemy so that they have more money to kill you?

Oh, and I understand this is your way of trying to force us all to convert to Islam? Uhh, don't think so, you're making it such that people around the world are viewing it on par with Satanism. Christian missionaries have at least learned to build hospitals, be civil, not be genocidal maniacs, and not be racist sexist assholes toward natives of the country that they're in; take a chapter out of their book.

And guess what? Asinine Western "political correctness" may have empowered Al-Quaeda's growth greatly, but there comes a point when people can have a funny way of putting their ability to not get killed over not hurting your feelings. And we're getting near that. Despite the "progressive" ideas perpetuated by those wacko liberals ("let's try to understand our attackers", etc), humans are at the core, humans, and can be very discriminatory. Student and work visas for Arabs may mysteriously dry up, setting your ethnic group behind the technology/education curve in coming generations.

So keep it up. In the long run, it's only your own people and your own cause that you are setting back.

PS - Can't say I've ever read the Koran, but I highly doubt it says anywhere in there that God is cool with you killing people, or just generally acting like sexist assholes either for that matter. And I doubt there are 72 virgins in all of Hell, where you will undoubtedly go. But maybe if you learned to follow the most basic post-Dark ages hygeine routines (such as showering more than once a decade), you wouldn't have to pound your camel's ass to get your rocks off in this world.

And fuck you.

PPS - If my parents are not back in the US and safe in the next 24 hours, I will make what you tried today look like child's play.

Why you are still single...

Because your pickup lines suck!

Wanna see my room?

You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my whole fucking life.

Are you European? You look European... maybe did someone in your family come from Europe? (note: I am unmistakably Caucasian)

It's not that I'm looking for a greencard... it's just that I didn't believe in love until I saw you.

Hey, you in the sexy red backpack!

Can I read your palm? (from a clean-cut preppie type)

(In response to my telling him to go to hell) But heaven's right here, baby.

Dude: "I'll wake you up in time to go to confession tomorrow..."
Me: "No thanks, I don't sin."
Dude: "Oh, but the night is young, and we could sin at my house."
(And my beloved late grandfather used to question why I can't seem to find a nice Catholic guy)

Do you play sports?

Hey, Blondie! Let's f*ck!

When we were in 6th grade, I had a wet dream about you.

So, like, you like went to Catholic school? (huh huh heh heh) So, like, did you wear a uniform? Do you still have it? (huh huh heh heh) Did the nuns, like smack you when you were bad? (huh huh heh heh)

I have actually heard all of these, and the older I get, the more pathetic of lines I seem to hear. For these guys' sake, I hope they never run out of Kleenex.

On the upside though, crap like this stops the spread of STDs.

File Under: Movies I Will Not Be Seeing

Specifically, World Trade Center.

It's a few weeks shy of 5 years since

- our country was hit by terrorists, shattering the sense of security and way of life many of us had cherished our entire lives;

- many families were brutally deprived of their children, parents, siblings, cousins, etc, knowing that they likely died a nasty, painful death;

and I for one am not psyched to see this movie. And I didn't even lose anyone I loved that day.

Have the wounds of the affected really healed that much that it isn't in horrendous taste to start profiteering? I think not. Seriously, Hollywood, have a little bit of class for once in your miserable, unoriginal existence and let people greive awhile longer before you go capitalizing on their misfortunes. Maybe I just had my head up my collegiate ass, but I sort of don't remember my grandparents and other surviving members of the Greatest Generation lining up to see Pearl Harbor (detailing the last brutal attack on this country), when it was released roughly 60 years after that tragedy. Just can't get psyched to pay $10 to have one of my nastier memories relived in gorier detail than I already remember it.

I mean, sure, preserve our history, this is a definite part of it. Just wait awhile to do so, say, until after our country stops doing such a piss poor job of maintaining national security and has defeats Al-Quaeda, and the would is better healed. (Hint to the Feds: try closing the borders, keeping better tabs on people's visas, and worrying less about political correctness and more about reality). God knows how many bereaved people have probably had to go back into therapy because of those previews being all over the TV this summer. I seriously can't imagine how it would make me feel to see a reenactment of a loved one's death on television or the big screen.

I suppose it would be too much to ask if a portion of the profits of this movie were going to help the families of those lost that day? Yeah, I forgot, it probably would be. The timing of the movie is still in piss-poor taste regardless though, so it's sort of a moot point anyway.

Electronic Disturbance and the Crapper: Fun on Craigslist

I shamelessly stole this prank from male chauvanist pig DCB, whose blog offends, disgusts, and intrigues me. It's like a trainwreck; you don't want to see it, but can't.bring.self.to.look.away. DCB had waxed on about the housing crunch where he lives, posting genius phony Craigslist ads offering to rent out his carport, laundry room, closet, etc.

And people responded. DCB's parting shot?

Thanks to Kathryn for the tarp idea. Other ideas I’d do if I wasn’t bored with this:
1. Tent in the backyard.
2. Weather-proof treehouse.

I, however, was not bored yet, so I posted an ad for:

$100 - Cozy, Private Space for the Right Person
Reply to: hous-189742499@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-08-03, 2:58PM EDT

We have a spacious (10X10) weatherproof toolshed (with electrical outlet where you can plug in an extension cord and make your little house a home. A plug-in A/C unit and space-heater are yours to use while you live here. Shed has 2 windows that open and close, and a padlock (we will give you the combo) so that your stuff is secure while you are gone. Our house's prior owners were big DIY people and well... that just isn't us! We are a family of three, two professionals and a 4 year old. You won't need to see us that much if you don't want. We can even run a DSL cord outside if you wish. Plenty of off-street parking, or 3 blocks from the Metro (Yellow Line).

A friend (the link actually works now!) of mine suggested I add "nice cozy bushes so you can do your business" but I figured that would tip people off that I'm a troll, and nobody would write to me, which would spoil all my fun. So I went forward, toiletless, and here are the responses...

1. Hi, my name is XXX and i was interested in your ad on craigslist. I am 19 and i'm working full time down in falls church. feel free to ask me any questions you have. Please respond to xxxxxx@yahoo.com. I am VERY interested so a response would be greatly appreciated. Thank You! (Sent from a Federal Government email addy no less, your tax dollars at work).

2. hi
i really enjoyed reading about the space you are
listing on cl. i rented a similar space and lived in
it for a few years in alaska. i moved to dc from
there in october and am renting a basement in a
rowhome that costs a lot more a month that what you
are seeking.
i don't know what you mean by "DIY" people. please
explain. is there a bathroom or shower to use inside?
is there a sink with a slop bucket? at my other
small shed i lived in i hauled my own water and used
an outhouse and showered at the gym i worked at. i
have a shower where i work now but would be cool to
have use of toilet and shower in your house if you are
open to that.
please send a pic and tell me more about this place as
i'm very interested. i'm a good person, responsible,
have excellent references, as well as a small friendly
dog.
i look forward to hearing from you. thanks and peace,
XXX (i don't hit the shift key, so i can't get a decent job, and all i can afford is to live in a shed)

3. My name is XXX XXX and I might need a room for a few months. If you
could please contact me @ either xxxx-xxx-xxxx after 9:00pm or xxx-xxx-xxxx.
Thank You.

4. Hi,
I’m interested.
I’m looking for a cheap place, and for $100 a month I could pocket nearly my whole paycheck! Is there a good time for me to come check the place out?
Thanks (Goes on to include full name, job title, employer - a very reputable DC trade association - work address, and several phone numbers.)

5. I am very interested in this space. This would be an excellent opportunity for me as I am saving for a car and a few other things. My name is XXX XXX. I am 28 and currently employed on the weekends as a Certified Nursing Assistant and during the week as an electricians apprentice to save to finish nursing school. Please give me a call at xxx-xxx-xxx. Thank you for your time. (Remind me to just kill myself next time I get sick, lest I risk being treated by a medical professional who lives in a toolshed with 9th century sanitation facilities!!!)

6. I saw your add on Craigs List. I'm a 35 y/o, married, doctoral
student from the University of XXX, who is here in DC on an
internship at a UN agency. I need your place for the duration of my
stay, which will probably be till December. During this time, my
weekdays will be 8AM to at least 7PM out of the house. During the
weekends I might travel, and occasionally my wife (who is studying at
the University of XXX) might come up to spend a weekend with me.
If my profile fits your conditions, please call me @ xxx-xxx-xxx or
send me a reply email.
Many Thanks,
XXX (We all knew that the UN was a bunch of weirdo asshats, but this really takes the cake. To this gentleman's wife: There is such a thing as "grounds for divorce" and this is likely one of them in most states.)

7. I am the Great Cornholio. I have no bunghole. Therefore, I do not require a toilet. When can I move in?

Ok, joking about that last one, but still.

People. THE PLACE HAS NO TOILET. Usually if a living space has a bathroom, it is at least mentioned in the advertisment. Toolsheds do not often come equipped with a crapper, and yet only ONE person asked (the common sense of which is negated by the fact that he seemed waaaaay too interested in outhouses, slop buckets, etc).

Ironically, a post I made on CL that same day (asking a professional question) was flagged and deleted as inappropriate within the hour. But a bogus housing ad to come live in an imaginary family's imaginary toolshed, of course, perfectly kosher.

I weep for the future of humanity.

On Settling

I am seeing and getting reports that too many people everywhere are just accepting crap and telling themselves they don't deserve any better. Obviously, YES, God/other people/the universe/whoever does not owe us much of anything, but since when is passivity one of the things you're "supposed to do"? Is there anything wrong with saying, "my life lacks this, I feel I need it to be happy, therefore I am going to pursue it" (provided you don't hurt anyone in the process)?

Take the comparison of my two ex-friend EngineerChick and friend CommiePinko, who found themselves pushing 30, single, and unhappy to be that way. EngineerChick took the path of least resistance - "I'm single because nobody wants to date a smart woman!" "If it was meant to be, it would have happened by now!" etc, chopped her hair, stopped wearing makeup because it's unnatural and she didn't want to represent herself falsely, started letting herself go, is a general b*tch to most everyone, and just to be extra "authentic", got herself some Yasmin (aka BC that doesn't provide any of the benefits of the fake hormones, like big boobs and clear skin) and settled for being the booty call of several nonspecial loser guys. Having nothing but a career and being lonely and bitter is noble, she's a martyr and anyone whose life doesn't suck cheated the system somehow. She's given up at age 32. CommiePinko, on the other hand, has always been honest about what he wants out of life, but manages not to bitch constantly when it doesn't just fall into his lap. He got involved in sports, local politics, volunteering, graduate school, his synagogue, makes friends wherever he goes with his positive attitude, throws cool parties, laughs off unfortunate craigslist faux pauses with minimal rubbing it in my face, and probably has one heck of a great time in life. He tried several dating sites, and I undestand has most recently had good luck with eharmony. (Yayy CommiePinko! Good luck!) CP has his whole life ahead of him at age 29. As one should.

Or two of my college classmates BitterDude and EvilElf with their careers. Both are very intelligent, leftish-leaning, somewhat idealistic, hardworking, and have tons of interests (some of which don't translate to high income). BitterDude convinced himself he "couldn't" accomplish the business or econ coursework that was available and strong in our liberal arts program at a top-ranked university. In his eyes, people who geared their studies and internships toward a more business route were stupid, selfish a*holes who made a concious choice not to help the world; people who had trust funds or rich parents or whatever and the associated other choices had had too much handed to them. Somewhere between his attitude, his unbending ideas, and his pooh-poohing of "networking" as being for the weak, he took a full year after graduating with massive loans to find a not-so-well-paying job that barely keeps him in his shitty efficiency 2 blocks from our college campus. Last I heard, he is working his butt off and still complaining about the "stupid" business majors who make twice what he does. EvilElf's family isn't rich either. She was still in school and barely old enough to buy beer when her parents cut her off. She chose a more business leaning major, that despite being the toughest in our school outside of pre-med, she did extremely well in. EvilElf didn't befriend people based on their dads' jobs, but when an internship came open at our friend PartyGirl's dad's firm, she wasn't too proud to apply. EvilElf now has a "corporate" job that doesn't necessarily fufill all her interests, but she sees the experience and the salary as means to a few different ends. I am sure her 9-5 life doesn't have her reeling on the edge of her seat, but she satisfies her interests through volunteer work, outside activities, reading, planning vacations, political involvement, and hopefully a secret project.... and now has decent enough work experience that she is exploring pursuing her dream job. She's a heck of a lot happier and infinitely more financially stable than BitterDude.

I could go on and on and on - by EngineerChick and BitterDude's mindset, people who:
-get medical treatments such as bypass surgery or allergy medicine;
-move themselves to a safer neighborhood;
-purchase homes;
-leave abusive relationships;
-get higher education;
-go to therapy;
-join activities they enjoy and make friends;
-bathe;
-etc
are all totally evil because they made their lives better by doing something that didn't happen naturally.

F*ck character building. There is nothing noble about suffering for suffering's sake. If you do something that makes you suffer, and nobody benefits from what you do, you're not a martyr, you're a tool. A tool in need of an attitude adjustment.

I mean, jeez, people! Who said you were obligated to be unhappy? Who are you helping? How can you say "it's not meant to happen because it's not being handed to me on a silver platter" when all the tools you need to make it happen are right there available to you?

If you are unhappy, get up off your ass, take off your blinders, and get your shit together. You're not getting any younger.